2011 NFL Draft: There Will Be Blood

Wakasauce is the forefront of all NFL Draft Correct Information Legislation. A new initiative that was put into effect just recently. The information that is presented is 100% correct regardless of if anything else happens, which it won't.

I don't have a damn clue about anything that is happening between the Galactic Republic and the Rebel Alliance, NFL Owners and NFL players, respectively. So that won't be touched with a 3-foot whammy bar. This will be all draft, all morning, all day and all night. A massive, hot, sweaty orgy of analysis and rankings. There will be live blogging during the first round and beyond...usually until I've a few too many barbacoa burritos and mimosas and can't type/breathe anymore. Let's dive on in to this piss-filled pool of degenerates, felons, media whores, and Barnum and Bailey - esque human freaks. It won't be in your usual format, but rather a straight-to-the-point scrotum gnawing look into the basics.

American Football Players Who Are Good at Their Sport and Will Continue to Be Good at Their Sport at a Professional Level

Patrick Peterson - CB - LSU (6ft1in 220lbs) - Delicious. This term is not often used among NFL personnel to describe prospects, but he exudes a Sweet Baby Ray tanginess in his every on-field move. The George Washington of athleticism in this draft, this man will cross the delaware of fade routes and return freedom back to all Americans. This makes sense. Blackish Michaelangelo's David. The smoothness of a 12-year Glenfidditch sipped from an oak-aged Kardashian badonkadonk crack. When he cheats, the other guy gets called, it's hilarious. That kind of shit translates to the next level. Has the cockiness of a Jersey Shore guido in a douchebag contest. You know and he knows that he will win. Big.

A.J. Green - WR - Georgia (6ft4in 212lbs) - The most sure thing at wide receiver since Calvin Johnson. Built, runs, cuts, blasts, snags, leaps like a Randy Moss without the baggage (yet) of driving around at 3 mph with a traffic cop on the hood of your car. Get Paid. Makes redonkulous grabs in traffic, is willing to run anywhere and will make a quarterback look real nice like. He sold a game day jersey to a guy for a little side cash. So what. Except that the purchaser of said goods worked for the same player-agent who got all the UNC players busted, and bought it for $1,000. Mike Vick (the most respected and loved player on the planet) gets $500 at best. Fishy, but not fishy enough for me to go ahead and guarantee 23 2,000-yard receiving years from this man. Unless he goes to Green Bay. Where he will probably get arrested for sodomy with lawn gnomes. I hate them.

Marcel Dareus - DT - Alabama (6ft3in 315lbs) - I was able to procure some amateur footage of Marcel Dareus running the 40 yard dash at his most recent Alabama Pro Day. Watch it Here. He is a thick beast, somehow 315 lbs looks good on this mammoth. While I don't think he will be a perennial All-Pro like the two above, he will be solid NFL player and that's what you want from your first round pick. I hear sons of anarchy of all shapes and sizes (mostly just the shape and size of Mel Kiper and Todd McShay) say this guy is the safest pick, which throughout history has always been a lineman or linebacker. Not always true. He'll be pretty damn good, but nowhere near N-Freakathon Suh.

Gabe Carimi - OT - Wisconsin (6ft7in 315lbs) - The best offensive lineman in the draft. Gets pissed on for being tough as Native American skin, big, boring and not-as-athletic-as-ideal. Soooo, every successful lineman out there is the category he falls under. I'll take it.

Von Miller - OLB/DE - Texas A&M (6ft3in 245lbs) - Can pass rush the fuck out of any quarterback. Coming out he is very much like a smaller Terrell Suggs. Has incredible athleticism and agility to juke the fuck out of offensive tackles. Can basically do whatever the fuck he wants. Look for at least 8 sacks his rookie season and several broken jaw bones to refs who call any QB-friendly penalties.