2010 NFL DRAFT (Picks 11-15)

#11 CAROLINA PANTHERS

TE Jermaine Gresham, Oklahoma, SR, (6'6 265)

If you are a smart fantasy football player, like me, you probably picked up Jake Delhomme thinking he'd really turn it around halfway through the season...What amazes me is that completely contrary to what I thought, he kept right on sucking! What a dick.

This team has so many holes on its roster they should be called the Carolina Swiss Cheese! :)!

Seriously, they suck 'bing' style and they know it too. Delhommes' shoulder and poor decision making (due to the fact he thinks he has the power to do so since becoming old, a disturbing trend you will find as our generation's great QBs start to have deteriorating motor skills) is starting to show. Unfortunately I don't think there is a quarterback worth taking as of now (I don't have Jake Locker in this draft. Don't think he's coming out and I think he's a better athlete than quarterback). I think they should hunker down and take the best player available which is the uber tight end Jermaine Gresham from Oklahoma. He is as big as and as good of a blocker as last years' sole first-round tight end Brandon Pettigrew and quadruple the receiver-ness that he was. Reminds me of Greg Olsen as someone who will line up in the slot a lot or out side on goal line situations. He runs great routes, possesses quick hands and is really tough to bring down, much unlike a down-on-her-luck fat girl (one comment and she'll collapse both physically and emotionally like a sac of bricks).

A freight train receiver that will mow down Whities on slant routes.



#12 DENVER BRONCOS (Acquired from...fuck...)

DE Carlos Dunlap, Florida, JR (6'6 285)

Let me start out with this. I love Jay Cutler, I think he is the coolest fucker in the world. I have preached this to many people but I cannot say it enough. The man is a Rock Star. It's the best word to use. I'm gonna list a few reasons why we don't deserve to pick at this spot because of how cool (and costly) Cutler was...

1. The dude is a diabetic who gets smashed thrice weekly on Templeton Rye
2. He talked shit on the field to Rob Ryan (Brown's DC) after they just bitch slapped a pass of his on 4th down
3. That same man, Rob Ryan, claims that "Cutler can throw a strawberry through a battleship"
4. He bangs chicks
5. He can run faster than any QB in the NFC North, with a double chin
6. His teammates respect him because they know he is trying his best to win the game and ignore media bullshit outside of the field.
7. He probably has a couple statutory rape warrants out there
8. He doesn't give a fuck

Reason #8 just gives him the right to be labeled a Rock Star

I'm glad we have him, even without this draft pick that could have greatly benefited our team. Please see my next blog entry on the 5 Steps to Rebuilding the Bears featuring 20% More Steps!

The Broncos have great coaching in Josh McDaniels running the O and Mike Nolan running the D. With someone of Carlos Dunlap's freak measurables he will constantly get the Mario Williams comparison, but don't do that to him, he's not as freakishly athletic, but in a similar, slightly more poorly made ballpark, like someone forgot to caulk a few shieldings in or something like that. Maybe they forgot to put a bathroom on one floor so everyone has to walk down 3 flights of stairs just to poop. Do you see where I'm getting at?

Denver runs the 3-4 and they need some young talent bringing pressure while holding up against the run. Dunlap has proven his worth at both aspects for the Gators, he's at his best when parked in idle at a green light (see article below, but when the whistle blows he can play some too. His size and pass rush-run support balance will make him a force at the End.

Recently Carlos Dunlap thought that with all his team's success and possible NFL future he would go out and have a nap, in the middle of an intersection.

Imagine trying to lift him out of the car, did they have to use the jaws of life or could they attach him to one end of a rope and the Gainesville fire truck to the other side and just gun it.

#13 NEW YORK JETS

DE Everson Griffen, USC, JR (6'3 275)

Dozing off while staring at the New York Jets depth chart, you start to see a pattern of good talent that has been brought into a complete overhaul of what was there before. I think Rex Ryan spent his last pick on the QB of the future and now wants to get his first choice in for 2010. He is a defensive fatass (like a bizarro Charlie Weiss) and will be looking to shove some youth into the DL/LB butthole. With a guy like Griffen you can get an athletic marvel who brings a shitload of passion (almost to an obnoxious degree) to the game. But the thing is you saw that in Baltimore with Rex Ryan, he loves primma donnas who get the job done and love to show off when they make the slightest contribution.

Griffen didn't have the most statistically dominant year in college football, but he is oozing raw talent. He has had an NFL body since 4th grade, but just needs to get into a coaching scheme which turns him loose. The Jets will let him do just that. Griffen stands a tall possibility to be the first prospect in 2010 to be arrested. 4-1 on cocaine charges, 6-1 domestic battery, or if you're looking to really make a big splash in this pool put all your silver dollars on the 50-1 domestic terrorism charges. Anything is possible...

#14 HOUSTON TEXANS

FS Earl Thomas, Texas, RS So., (5-10, 195)

Just a lil guy, but holy snatch can he make plays. He is up there with Berry, but I made Berry the 2nd overall pick because he is a tough badass dude who is consistent. Thomas has been making plays all season from 92-yard interception returns to big hits on big fuckers. He's got that overlal athletic ability where it looks like he's barely trying yet he is everywhere on the field. He glides like KY jelly just-the-tip-ins without any hesitation and has acrobatic moves in the air. Ever see Chris O'Donnell as Robin? Yah, look closer to his 3rd 'family member' ion the circus on the right and you can clearly see it was Earl Thomas as a 14-year old. He even lays out a couple TwoFace cronies. Hits em right in the nuts. I don't have the clip for you so you'll have to rent it.

#15 ATLANTA FALCONS

OL Anthony Davis, Rutgers, JR, (6'5 340)

Didn't think I'd have the STD birds this early in the draft, but without Matt Ryan, Chris Redman will prove just how mildly worthy he is to be a #2 in the NFL. This Davis kid is MASSIVE, think of a Terrance Cody playing Offensive Line and this is what you get. He's played LT, RT, RG, LG and even a bit of corner back (no, im lying, that was a joke!). He could instantly start on the inside of the offensive line and move out to a OT position if he needed. He's versatile, mean and heavy, the perfect offensive lineman. If he smells like asshole all day then he has become a complete player.

2010 NFL DRAFT (Picks 6-10)

#6 WASHINGTON REDSKINS

QB Jimmy Clausen, JR, Notre Dame (6'3, 222)

I know, I know. You all want to stone me to death Saudi style right now, but I have my reasonings. Dan Snyder, the owner and I'm pretty sure the play caller as well, makes every decision in the organization (I wasn't being sarcastic with the play calling remark). Last year he was trying desperately to trade his 'starter' Jason Campbell for Jay Cutler and then during the draft flipped more mental birds in Campbells direction by trying to trade up to draft Mark Sanchez. Snyder also tried to force Jim Zorn into resigning 1/4 of the way through the year, instead settling on some random outside being brought in to call plays. No one in the organization seems to believe in the coaching or the quarterback, a delicious recipe for disaster, with a dash of hot sauce.

I have 10 guys rated higher than Clausen at the moment, but I defintely see Snyder falling in love with one of these quarterbacks in the post season and trying his best to acquire one. Clausen makes the most sense because he has all the tools of an NFL player and throws a really fucking pretty ball. He plays well under pressure and has run an NFL offense decently under a hilariously morbidly obeiss fatman (so did Brady Quinn though). The only problem is his personality seems to be exactly like Snyder, rich-kid pussy prick is the best group of words I can find to describe it.

I feel like I'm paying attention too much to the little things, but if this video doesn't scream rich-kid pussy prick through his mannerisms, then I guess I just don't know what does.

#7 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

WR Dez Bryant, JR, Oklahoma State (6'2 215)

Spurtabulous. Thats what Dez Bryant is. The most talented WR since Calvin Johnson. Amazing hands, body control, speed and passion for the game. His ability to track down a ball and reach it at the most optimal point is uncanny. "Him and Suh are the two biggest game changers in this draft" The Chiefs need a lot of help on defense, but getting their offense chugging along under Todd Haley will make everyone confident. Combining Bryant with Bowe will give a similiar feeling to Boldin-Fitzgerald back in Arizona. Uhhhhhhh, yaaahhhhh (that's excitement). They'll need some running game as well after getting rid of Faggot Larry Johnson...thats right he earned that name, silly twitter.

Hopefully the whole 'I jogged with Deion Sanders at a sports complex then banged strippers at his mansion while he ate steak with hot sauce' controversy doesn't effect his draft status too much, but you never know. Watch him sign with Eugene Parker as his agent (a strong armed NAACP agent whose first signing was Deion and I'm pretty sure he gets a cut for "mentoring" these kids in college). If they don't take Bryant they'll most certainly go with defense and draft themselves a Rolando 'Exact Measurables as Urlacher' McLain.

Dez Bryant may cause unwanted and confusing boners

#8 BUFFALO BILLS

CB Joe Haden, JR, Florida (5'10, 190)

Poor Dick. I love Jauron, and not only because he's Craig Millspaugh's uncle, but because he has a droopy face that you just want to cheer face.

This team is in trouble. No stability anywhere. Add in T.O. and you have a recipe for disaster that would make Chernobyl shit its pants. When a situation is as dyre as this, you just be safe, ignore the fans and draft Tim Tebow. That was a joke. Is anybody laughing? I wasn't, in fact I'm yanking pubes to punish myself. But seriously, they should just go for the best available player and in this case its Joe Haden. The man is an athletic marvel. No wait, his entire family is one athletic Addams family. Each one of his little brothers has beaten the last national-record SPARQ rating, which is basically testing of thoroughbred high schoolers in order to get them in the picking order for SEC schools.

Not only is he athletic, he tackles pretty damn well in the open field and isn't afraid to get to the QB, has remarkable speed and decent instincts. Unfortunately he also gets my vote for most likely to bust and cause more headaches for a disastrous team. A close personal friend.

#9 SAN FRANSISCO 49ERS

FS Taylor Mays, SR, USC (6'3, 230)

They need safeties. Mays brings safety to all. A deadly super hero. Has all the tools to be a star in the Bay, but will have to overcome a prima donna stereotype. Everyone thought Brian Cushing might not pull it off with all that 'Roid power, but he's taking bitches numbers and lining em up in Houston. All I think about when I watch his highlights is Anthrax's 'Bring the Noise' so I head bang and never actually get to see him in coverage. It's a fault I have in evaluating hard-hitting talent.

Head Bang NOW

#10 SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

RB CJ Spiller, SR, Celmson (5'11 195)

Has that type of 'Jump out of your seat and run on top of bar room tables excitement' that few possess like Hester, Harvin, C. Johnson, Cribbs. He's a killer from the backfield and on special teams. They will find ways to sneak him into different formations and cause panic on kick and punt returns. Along with the last few teams, they need help on the offensive line and need massive mountains to make it difficult to hurt Hasselback or even see Seneca Wallace (who, little known fact, was my favorite player back in the day and even caused me to wear a Iowa State hat around everywhere, pre-hawkeye stage). They still have a shit ton of talent at WR so this should make for a Vikings-type offense, old QB, exciting RB/WR guy and a solid group supporting. Hopefully they draft a successor for the Hass 2nd round, I guess I have the power to guess that, so I hope I guess right.

A better Pro than college player, and considering what he has accomplished that's a pretty big statement. Watch.

2010 NFL MOCK DRAFT

Oh yes, you know you love it, you know I love it, you know she loves it.

My first Mock Draft of the 2009 season for the 2010 draft. All players are scouted from memory, youtube clips and vodka-goggled cbs viewing. My credentials are...pedestrian, two summers under PFW draft guru Nolan Nawrocki, 5 seasons of high school scouting and an unhealthy straight-up addiction to pointless NFL draft stats and information.

This mock draft will free you from the monopoly of Queerbos that dominate this aspect. Mel Kiper, Jr. uses a Jr. in his name when his Dad was a nobody. He should fuck himself. A little too harsh? Absolutely. Do I have reasons? Yes, but they're between me and that son of a bitch. 

So here I am, your savior, your moses, I come to you with open arms and vulgar opinions. Open your ears and your hearts and let the Wakasauce just slide right in. Ahhh.

With the 1st pick in 2010 NFL Draft THE

#1 ST. LOUIS RAMS select....

QB Sam '1/8th Sitting Bull' Bradford, JR, Oklahoma (6'4, 217, 4.8)

The Rams blow and a lot of it has to do with the defense and the wide receivers, but the QBs have proven their un-worth as well. With Marc Bulger pushing 33 and putting up Henry 'CFL extroddanaire' Burris - esque numbers, the team has fallen into an abysmal decline. The management blows, the coaching blows and solid amount of the people playing football blow penis.

Bradford is still the best QB, no questions. He's a natural leader, cool as fuck under pressure, pretty damn accurate and makes great decisions. Sure the throwing shoulder twice-over demolition may raise some questions, but if everything checks out with all the poking and prodding doctors in the end he'll go #1, like he could have last year. He's got decent arm strength, which will get knocked in all the evaluations, but its good enough to make all the throws. He's tall, athletic and one-somethingth Cherokee, which means he can summon spirits or some shit like that when it all comes down to the final minute. He'll be scalping defensive backs with 10-yard outs for years to come.

After watching highlights of Sam Bradford, I came across one of too many people who have way too much time on their hands and access to the world wide web.

#2 CLEVELAND BROWNS

DB Eric Berry, JR, Tennessee (5'11, 205)

The 2009 Cleveland Browns are the first team to induce pity vomit in my mouth. Some dribbled out. It was gross. I don't know what to say other than everyone will be gone in Cleveland and they need a quarterback even though they have two under the age of 27, one has been to a pro bowl, the other a 1st round pick, shouldn't make sense right? It does. It makes terrible terrible sense.

BUT, I just don't see them getting a quarterback unless both are cut and/or traded. So this way the Browns take a proven playmaker with incredible speed, instincts and a touch of badassiness (patent pending on word use). Though I seriously thought about starting a campaign to boycott drafting him after viewing this.

He is an incredible playmaker who will instantly make this defense more respectable. Rob Ryan, Clevelands Defensive Coordinator and washed up Grateful Dead cover band keyboardist, will have a field day with him...if he's still employed in The Clev. Obviously their offense is abismle, but I do see chances of a magic worker coming in an installing some decent veterans to bring them back to "laughing stock" from their current position of "sick, sad-puppy."

#3 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

DT, Ndamukong Suh, SR, Nebraska (6'3, 300)

A total assbeater. This guy is far and away the best overall prospect for the 2010 draft. He beats ass on and off the field and I'm sure even in DomKong's dreams someone gets their ass kicked. Rumor has it that an entire row of campus library toilets were destroyed beyond recognition after Suh pulled an all nighter drinking coffee, eating burrito bowls and studying for pre-algebra. He is constantly double teamed, but he is a massive black mountain that uses his hands well and probably runs in the area of a 4.7, which is Predator-esque. The only way anyone will be able to stop this Kong is by sub-contracting Arnold Schwarzanagger and providing him unlimited colateral of cold mud and submachine guns, but by then Suh will have already started his wristwatch self-destruct sequence and won a super bowl. Watch closely and maybe you'll spot him.

#4 DETROIT LIONS

DT Gerald McCoy, JR, Oklahoma (6'4, 300)

Another amazing talent on the interior line. Not quite the consistent ass beater the Suh is, but can really turn it on when he gives a shit. So there in lies the dilemma, make him give a shit, make him a Pro Bowler. Easier said than done. Look at JaMarcus Russell, single handedly showed people how he could be the worst quarterback ever, which leads me to a quick rant...

"JaMarcus Russell"

Quarterbacks are born, not bred, its that simple. You can't take the retarded kid on the team with his amazing retard arm strength and tell him to lead a reciever or make good decisions, they won't do it, they just won't, they can't, because they're retarded. I don't mean to be insensitive, but JaMarus Russell could have played any other position in college/NFL and been slightly more successful because he is a truly gifted? jumbo athlete. 6'6 260 running 4.7 and throwing a ball 80 yards is as exciting as a brand new gun, but once you realize it doesn't want to do anything other than shoot you in the dick and get you in trouble, doesn't seem so promising anymore. JaMarcus Russell is the worst quarterback I have ever seen in the NFL and I think he hates football. He doesn't prepare well (I'm still pretty sure he's illeterate), he doesn't work out, he just goes out on the field because he feels obligated. Plus he's going to need a steady job post-bankruptcy. FIN.

JaMarcus is never short for a witty, playful, sensical quip either

Staffords' got it for the Lions, it'll just take a few (7-8) seasons before the lions are any good of an organization. They have good young players at key positions, now they just need to get them to believe in themselves. I suggest a movie night or maybe even a trip to the Detroit Zoo with the whole team in order to improve comradery. They can look at all the trash in their natural habitats.

#5 OAKLAND RAIDERS

OT Russell Okung, SR, Oklahoma State (6'5, 310)

Boring, I know. This is going to be a tough pick for the Dark Side. They won't have a clue what to do, and chances are Al Davis will walk up to the podium and tell everyone he is quitting causing talent-ghosts to spew from his mouth and open sores right back into maybe 3 or 4 players, but by then they still won't know what to do. (The previous scenario is a 3-1 in Vegas).

There will be several big time UBER Height-Weight-Speed ratio guys that will have Davis and his staff pre-cum staining just about every suckered chino in house. Major possibilities will be Taylor Mays (more concerned with displayed bicep vein then an interception), Jimmy Clausen (too high, but hey, the raiders dont give a fuck) or Carlos Dunlap ('freakness' similar to Mario Williams).

What I truly believe they need to do is start from the ground up, build a base. What better way to do that then to get a quality offensive tackle that can come in and start from humble beginnings and protect whatever piece of shit you so desire in your backfield. Okung has really long arms and big time old man strength. Not to mention similiarly quick feet to Michael Oher that has made him so famous in Baltimore (along with the white pants on Sandra Bullock in the movie 'Blindsides' promotional poster).

**Check back tomorrow (Decmeber 1st, 2009) for the Next 5 picks of the 2010 NFL Draft

And in the Beginning There Was Sauce...

Welcome, Welcome, 

to wakasauce.blogspot.com, where all of your senses will experience the most truthful, belligerent, grammatically and dramatically correct rants of mainstream football. 

After a small spat of blogging through ryans2009nfldraft.blogspot.com, which was induced by a 3-month football-sober period in Ireland, I've decdided to jump back into it because it was so much fun (already I'm being dishonest, I've lied to you, I'm just unemployed and in need of a meaningless distraction from craigslist-scam-sales-interviews). But it was fun too, like awkward drunk interviews with cabbies fun. Lots of silence......

So why the name? Do ask, and I will do tell.

WakaSauce is the name of my yet-to-be-invented universally renowned condiment, which will be appearing in your un-refrigerated cupboards and mid-level lunch/dinner chain restaurants. It will be fruity with a hint of savory a kick of spice and just a pinch of awesome and I plan for you to use it on everything. If you would like to order this enjoyable sauce in bulk please contact me and a sales representative will provide you with shipping and handling information. 

It also makes a strange, but delightful name for a football-related blogness, right? Of course I'm right, you'll find this theme to be true throughout the blog. 

So kick back, put on your favorite DVRed Tyler Perry movie ((or television sitcom) do this for soothing background noise) and read up until your eyes are full.

And of course, comment