2010 NFL MOCK DRAFT

Oh yes, you know you love it, you know I love it, you know she loves it.

My first Mock Draft of the 2009 season for the 2010 draft. All players are scouted from memory, youtube clips and vodka-goggled cbs viewing. My credentials are...pedestrian, two summers under PFW draft guru Nolan Nawrocki, 5 seasons of high school scouting and an unhealthy straight-up addiction to pointless NFL draft stats and information.

This mock draft will free you from the monopoly of Queerbos that dominate this aspect. Mel Kiper, Jr. uses a Jr. in his name when his Dad was a nobody. He should fuck himself. A little too harsh? Absolutely. Do I have reasons? Yes, but they're between me and that son of a bitch. 

So here I am, your savior, your moses, I come to you with open arms and vulgar opinions. Open your ears and your hearts and let the Wakasauce just slide right in. Ahhh.

With the 1st pick in 2010 NFL Draft THE

#1 ST. LOUIS RAMS select....

QB Sam '1/8th Sitting Bull' Bradford, JR, Oklahoma (6'4, 217, 4.8)

The Rams blow and a lot of it has to do with the defense and the wide receivers, but the QBs have proven their un-worth as well. With Marc Bulger pushing 33 and putting up Henry 'CFL extroddanaire' Burris - esque numbers, the team has fallen into an abysmal decline. The management blows, the coaching blows and solid amount of the people playing football blow penis.

Bradford is still the best QB, no questions. He's a natural leader, cool as fuck under pressure, pretty damn accurate and makes great decisions. Sure the throwing shoulder twice-over demolition may raise some questions, but if everything checks out with all the poking and prodding doctors in the end he'll go #1, like he could have last year. He's got decent arm strength, which will get knocked in all the evaluations, but its good enough to make all the throws. He's tall, athletic and one-somethingth Cherokee, which means he can summon spirits or some shit like that when it all comes down to the final minute. He'll be scalping defensive backs with 10-yard outs for years to come.

After watching highlights of Sam Bradford, I came across one of too many people who have way too much time on their hands and access to the world wide web.

#2 CLEVELAND BROWNS

DB Eric Berry, JR, Tennessee (5'11, 205)

The 2009 Cleveland Browns are the first team to induce pity vomit in my mouth. Some dribbled out. It was gross. I don't know what to say other than everyone will be gone in Cleveland and they need a quarterback even though they have two under the age of 27, one has been to a pro bowl, the other a 1st round pick, shouldn't make sense right? It does. It makes terrible terrible sense.

BUT, I just don't see them getting a quarterback unless both are cut and/or traded. So this way the Browns take a proven playmaker with incredible speed, instincts and a touch of badassiness (patent pending on word use). Though I seriously thought about starting a campaign to boycott drafting him after viewing this.

He is an incredible playmaker who will instantly make this defense more respectable. Rob Ryan, Clevelands Defensive Coordinator and washed up Grateful Dead cover band keyboardist, will have a field day with him...if he's still employed in The Clev. Obviously their offense is abismle, but I do see chances of a magic worker coming in an installing some decent veterans to bring them back to "laughing stock" from their current position of "sick, sad-puppy."

#3 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

DT, Ndamukong Suh, SR, Nebraska (6'3, 300)

A total assbeater. This guy is far and away the best overall prospect for the 2010 draft. He beats ass on and off the field and I'm sure even in DomKong's dreams someone gets their ass kicked. Rumor has it that an entire row of campus library toilets were destroyed beyond recognition after Suh pulled an all nighter drinking coffee, eating burrito bowls and studying for pre-algebra. He is constantly double teamed, but he is a massive black mountain that uses his hands well and probably runs in the area of a 4.7, which is Predator-esque. The only way anyone will be able to stop this Kong is by sub-contracting Arnold Schwarzanagger and providing him unlimited colateral of cold mud and submachine guns, but by then Suh will have already started his wristwatch self-destruct sequence and won a super bowl. Watch closely and maybe you'll spot him.

#4 DETROIT LIONS

DT Gerald McCoy, JR, Oklahoma (6'4, 300)

Another amazing talent on the interior line. Not quite the consistent ass beater the Suh is, but can really turn it on when he gives a shit. So there in lies the dilemma, make him give a shit, make him a Pro Bowler. Easier said than done. Look at JaMarcus Russell, single handedly showed people how he could be the worst quarterback ever, which leads me to a quick rant...

"JaMarcus Russell"

Quarterbacks are born, not bred, its that simple. You can't take the retarded kid on the team with his amazing retard arm strength and tell him to lead a reciever or make good decisions, they won't do it, they just won't, they can't, because they're retarded. I don't mean to be insensitive, but JaMarus Russell could have played any other position in college/NFL and been slightly more successful because he is a truly gifted? jumbo athlete. 6'6 260 running 4.7 and throwing a ball 80 yards is as exciting as a brand new gun, but once you realize it doesn't want to do anything other than shoot you in the dick and get you in trouble, doesn't seem so promising anymore. JaMarcus Russell is the worst quarterback I have ever seen in the NFL and I think he hates football. He doesn't prepare well (I'm still pretty sure he's illeterate), he doesn't work out, he just goes out on the field because he feels obligated. Plus he's going to need a steady job post-bankruptcy. FIN.

JaMarcus is never short for a witty, playful, sensical quip either

Staffords' got it for the Lions, it'll just take a few (7-8) seasons before the lions are any good of an organization. They have good young players at key positions, now they just need to get them to believe in themselves. I suggest a movie night or maybe even a trip to the Detroit Zoo with the whole team in order to improve comradery. They can look at all the trash in their natural habitats.

#5 OAKLAND RAIDERS

OT Russell Okung, SR, Oklahoma State (6'5, 310)

Boring, I know. This is going to be a tough pick for the Dark Side. They won't have a clue what to do, and chances are Al Davis will walk up to the podium and tell everyone he is quitting causing talent-ghosts to spew from his mouth and open sores right back into maybe 3 or 4 players, but by then they still won't know what to do. (The previous scenario is a 3-1 in Vegas).

There will be several big time UBER Height-Weight-Speed ratio guys that will have Davis and his staff pre-cum staining just about every suckered chino in house. Major possibilities will be Taylor Mays (more concerned with displayed bicep vein then an interception), Jimmy Clausen (too high, but hey, the raiders dont give a fuck) or Carlos Dunlap ('freakness' similar to Mario Williams).

What I truly believe they need to do is start from the ground up, build a base. What better way to do that then to get a quality offensive tackle that can come in and start from humble beginnings and protect whatever piece of shit you so desire in your backfield. Okung has really long arms and big time old man strength. Not to mention similiarly quick feet to Michael Oher that has made him so famous in Baltimore (along with the white pants on Sandra Bullock in the movie 'Blindsides' promotional poster).

**Check back tomorrow (Decmeber 1st, 2009) for the Next 5 picks of the 2010 NFL Draft