How Is It Possible Gabe Carimi Fell to the Bears

I approve. No one including me thought this dude would fall to us at #29. We thought we'd have to trade to the Ravens at 27 then realized oh wait no one in between these two picks (the Patriots) needed another rookie offensive tackle.

Awesome, just flat out awesome.

I'm Hard.

BACK I Just Turned Ashland Into a Scene From Liam Neeson's Taken

Mayhem, honking, sex trafficking. All part of my drive home to drop Anna off and be back for the Bears pick. Success.

#20 Bucs - Adrian Clayborn - awesome.. Go Hawkeyes. Apparently the cab driver he jab punched had called him the 'N' word, I'd never call a huge black dude a Nancyboy again.

#21 Browns - Phil Taylor. Thats 355 lbs of huge fucking mountain. 20 bucks says Coors Light signs a deal with this kid. Have him just stand there holding 8 beers in each paw. I'd buy it.

#22 Colts - Anthony Costanzo - Don't really like the guy. Keep hearing him as being safe, but he better learn quick or Peyton Manning (who makes all coaching and GM decisions) will drop his sac on him harder than he did a hot lil female trainer at Tennessee (He really did that, look it up).

#23 Eagles - Danny Watkins - Cool fucking story. Big dude. Stronger than Charlie Sheen on any coke binge (thats power)

#24 Saints - Cameron Jordan - Big dude. Not very productive. Not a big pass rusher. More of a run guy. I hate this. Boring shit. Cal football players blow.

#25 Seahawks - James Carpenter - Big dumb tackle, so probably a successful player in the future. Could've addressed a lot of other needs. Like a less spastic coach and letting me be friends with the owner so I can hang out on his epic yacht coke and sex parties.

#26 Chiefs - Jonathon Baldwin - 6ft5in 225lbs WR, check please. Big shithead though. Him and Dwayne Bowe should get along just fine. Big suckfest of assholes.

#27 Ravens - Jimmy Smith - 6ft2in uberathletic corner. Another shithead. Sounds like a broken record but theres a good amount of that in this draft.

#28 Saints - Mark Ingram. How long was Suzy Colbert waiting to make that Heisman winner cry. Unfortunately I have no shithead joke. The kids legit, has good ol fashion solid running back written all over hit tiny body that extends 4 feet wide from ankles, calves, thighs, ass, tits and face. Thats a thick dude. Incarcerated dad, heisman winner, falls in the draft.....Sandra Bullock is going to be staring in a movie about him or banging him by December.

#19 New York Giants: Forgot This Dude Was Still on the Board

Good Corner, nowhere near Patrick Peterson good, but has great closing speed on balls in the air. His Mom apparently tried to wear a shower curtain with orange sea urchin organs pasted all over it. Lucky for her, the NFL brass politely obliged.

#18 San Diego: I Swear to God if Someone Rhymes His Name With Legit

Oh wait, it's happened 73 times. He's OK, nothing special. Plus he played at Illinois where football and hoop dreams go to get stabbed or put on probation for getting to close with the white sororities.

Anyone Have a Hilariously Eerie Feeling That The Giants Will Draft a Punter

I've got a feeling

#17 New England: The Rich Just Keep Getting Fucking Richer

Awesome talent Nate Solder. Huge dude. Must work on becoming a lot stronger in the run game, but with his long arms and sweet shaft, he'll keep Brady clean for Carnivale supper with Gisele.

#16 Washington: Ehh OK

He's got the heart of a Jason Allen but the ability and size of a Mark Anderson. Will give them a spark and motivation on the edge, but has really stiff hips, which does not help anything in football.

I think I saw like 3 sisters or cousins of his that qualify as 5s or 6s so thats cool. I'd make the bang.

#15 Miami: Splitting the Egg

This Pouncey is not as good as his twin brother.

I saw about three different NFL employees that didn't know who the fuck to point towards the podium.

And thank god it didn't get as awkward as last year

He has the single grossest girlfriend on this planet, but watch as he methodically avoids embracing her, but rather turns to the mirror image of himself for a big wet one.

#14 St. Louis: It's Not a Toomer

I'm aware that is not the spelling. Homage to Amani, you'll always be remembered.

This dude used to have a brain tumor and then worked hard enough to come back, play at UNC, take a shit load of money and stripper-sex from a sports agent, get caught after screwing these agent paid hookers, sit out an entire year AND then get drafted in the Top 15. Pure, utter awesome.

#13 Detroit: Fuck

They now have two of the dirtiest, hellbent young defensive tackles in the league. I'm sure Chris Williams and Roberto Garza are filing retirement papers right now. Nick Fairley is the dirtiest player I've seen since Romanowski and that dude fucking rocked. He carried a fishing tackle box with him everywhere he went with 100s of different types of pills. Fairley doesnt need pills. He just needs someone to point where a quarterback is on each play cause he is the dumbest human being in that auditorium.

#12 Minnesota: Wow

This is like someone walking up to you and saying I heard of this company that gives you OK backrubs for $50,000,000 on Thursday nights or $5 on Friday nights. So you get so excited for this backrub that you take it with the 12th overall pick in the fucking NFL draft. The guy is good, but how do you not dominate the ACC when you play for Florida State and apparently are Top 15 good. These dumbasses could've traded into the end of the 1st or early 2nd while picking up a major player on defense like Fairley or Amukamara at 12.

Clown Farts.

#11 Houston: A 6ft6in Walking Chemical Lab

This dude transfers from a MAC school cause he can't crack the lineup as a tight end. Then magically becomes 290 lbs. For those of us that have tried this. It is extremely easy. He did nothing special. I do this every May to prep my BSR (Board Short Readiness). I just shove a syringe into my fucking eye and release human growth hormones until a blood vessel in the other eye starts to feel a little sore. It's easy.

Lucky For Him

Lucky for him though that franchise is long dead and no gives two cat fucks about their play. He'll fly under the radar until they move the team to London.

#10 Jacksonville: Causin Hubub Where Hubub Ain't Needed

He's a good quarterback, but to me there is no GREAT factor. I feel as though no one talked about his maybe 1 snap from under center his whole career. Will never beat out Garard unless they Al Davis him into the starting lineup and make him a coedine addict. Highly likely. Missouri people love cough medicine. Do not doubt him. Blaine Gabbert looks more like he should be directing Kiddy Porn than throwing fastballs to MJD in the flats. Maybe he'll try and balance both careers. I dunno.

#9 Dallas: Superior Offensive Line Athlete

Who the fuck cares about an athlete on the offensive line. Todd Marinovich was a huge athlete on the offensive line and look what he turned out to be.....the coolest mother fucker alive. He runs a photography studio where he takes pictures of beat up 30 year olds still trying to do the dougie on ma balls. Thats awesome. This was after he drilled steroids and whiskey for 8 years straight everyday. So cool.

But seriously, this guy is more of an athlete than a lineman, big DE's are going to make him their bitch. You want big, nasty, mean offensive lineman. Not just 285lbs that wasn't violent enough to play DLine.

#8 Locker It In

Love the pick. The Kid is a spastic methadome-type player because he is constantly running for his life. You can't just go from possible #1 pick over Sam Bradford to a 2nd rounder the next year. He has the arm, the mentality and mobility. Now the coaches must teach him to calm the fuck down. You don't have to run it every god blessed play. These offensive lineman in the NFL don't forget which sport they are playing mid power I 40 right.

#7 San Fransisco: Jon Gruden's Puppy

Good pick, won't do shit for a couple of years. Must add bulk, some Wendy's frosty thickness.

Looks just like Manny Lawson coming out, but didn't amount to poopshit, now he joins him on the same team.....but I'll give him the benefit of the diddy. Plus Mizzou people suck. All of them. Hard.

#6 Atlanta (by way of trade) - Every Meaningful Draft Pick for Julio Jones

The dude is a physical freak. He has an awesome fan base. He actually cares and tries hard at everything he does unlike everyone, but he does still lose concentration on some pretty in-your-hands-balls (as most women do). Here's a picture of Julio celebrating his new found fame and fortune mildly. View here.

#5 Arizona: Baller Tits

Patrick Peterson is the balls. The dude is 6'1 220 runs a 4.37 and doesn't give a fuck what any parole officer says. He can return punts yard and cover anybody and everybody.

I mentioned before that a lot of the big plays he made at LSU it looked as though he cheats, but makes it look like the receiver is at fault every time. That kind of crap translates to the next level. Cheating.

Any Suggestions For Comforting Crying Babies?

I've tried shaking it to the beat of some Wiggles music.

I tried giving it beer.

I've tried hot coffee.

#4 Cincinnati: The Best WR Ever

Love AJ Green. I hate when people shoot down my comparison to Randy Moss. They both have that crack-head frame (skinny but somehow still 214 lbs), jump through the roof. Are cool as the concrete floor I sleep on (improves badassness) when flying high for jump balls. Catch everything in sight and are 6'4 and again skinny-strong. From crack.

#3 Buffalo: Thickest Man Alive

The Buffalo Bills select a triple chocolate Wendy's frosty. That's thick shit. That's why they don't give you a straw.

For those of you who missed the amateur video of Dareus running the 40-yard dash I posted earlier, I highly recommend you watch it here.

#2 Broncos: Awesome Confusing Awesomeness

Love the pick because I see Von Miller coming in and in two years becoming a 'beast-mode'-lite version of Terrell Suggs. Only problem is now Denver has two superbly underratted pass rushers who don't play the run well (Elvis Dumervil being the partner in crime). I think that dude had 15 sacks about 10 games in. John Fox runs a 4-3, which is exactly the oppossitte of what best suits Dumervil and now Von Miller as well.

Still this motherfucker can fingerblast any offensiveline relatives he wants, he's the man.

If You Are Reading...

It means I have selected you as someone I love. Please comment, text me back or make any general views. Again, I do not care about religious or any sort of meaningful holiday. My birthday sucks....but today, I like to get weird.

Well, Looks like Carolina Fucked up Big Time

Instantly my dreams of Bud Light's $10,000,000 'perfect pick' challenge gets shit on by the most obvious con-artist in the world. This is like Bernie Madoff coming up to you (right now, in jailhouse orange) and offering you a 1,000% return on your investment in Cam Newton. This guy is flatout retarded. Jon Gruden hosts what I consider 'crack cocaine' television, running these quarterbacks through basic whiteboard excercises. Newton made a mockery by just smiling with his big dumb face and nodding and then not being able to answer one fucking question.

This is putting two of the most egotistical quarterbacks in the professional world on one team, fighting for one spot, this is going to blow up so bad. I heard a girl at work today, overhearing us speak of the NFL draft, mumble to me "He just has one of those OJ faces". You heard it from a floozy, the man is prepared to do some sort of mass rape. He might help win them six games, but this is just going to cause so many more headaches.

The thing is a physical freak though. Would love to see him in the Kentucky Derby this year. I'd give him 10-1 odds. The greatest trick Cam Newton ever played is convincing the world he had a soul.

I Can Feel It Cumming In The Air Tonight

Can you smell it? Only 10 minutes away....a broad spectacle of athleticism, advertisments until you suffocate and you know there is going to be 'Choke to Death' chants coming from the players union section of Radio City Auditorium when Roger Goodell swags on up there for pick #1.

Tonight is my ultimate holiday. I get huger physical boners and overall mental satisfaction from this day more than I would donating millions to Japan while Kate Upton did the dougie on my balls.

Currently I have Miller Lites lined up while a screaming 2-month old baby lays in the other room. An ironic hell. I was bestowed the responsibility of babysitting my newborn niece because no one told me that when I volunteered to babysit on my sister's birthday it would be the same day as my Holy Trinity. (Funny fact, I have no idea when any one in my family's birthday is, thats how much I suck). I'll remember this one though.

While my microwavable enchiladas turn slowly waiting to be turned into poopy I sit here knowing exactly whats going to happen.

2011 NFL Draft: There Will Be Blood

Wakasauce is the forefront of all NFL Draft Correct Information Legislation. A new initiative that was put into effect just recently. The information that is presented is 100% correct regardless of if anything else happens, which it won't.

I don't have a damn clue about anything that is happening between the Galactic Republic and the Rebel Alliance, NFL Owners and NFL players, respectively. So that won't be touched with a 3-foot whammy bar. This will be all draft, all morning, all day and all night. A massive, hot, sweaty orgy of analysis and rankings. There will be live blogging during the first round and beyond...usually until I've a few too many barbacoa burritos and mimosas and can't type/breathe anymore. Let's dive on in to this piss-filled pool of degenerates, felons, media whores, and Barnum and Bailey - esque human freaks. It won't be in your usual format, but rather a straight-to-the-point scrotum gnawing look into the basics.

American Football Players Who Are Good at Their Sport and Will Continue to Be Good at Their Sport at a Professional Level

Patrick Peterson - CB - LSU (6ft1in 220lbs) - Delicious. This term is not often used among NFL personnel to describe prospects, but he exudes a Sweet Baby Ray tanginess in his every on-field move. The George Washington of athleticism in this draft, this man will cross the delaware of fade routes and return freedom back to all Americans. This makes sense. Blackish Michaelangelo's David. The smoothness of a 12-year Glenfidditch sipped from an oak-aged Kardashian badonkadonk crack. When he cheats, the other guy gets called, it's hilarious. That kind of shit translates to the next level. Has the cockiness of a Jersey Shore guido in a douchebag contest. You know and he knows that he will win. Big.

A.J. Green - WR - Georgia (6ft4in 212lbs) - The most sure thing at wide receiver since Calvin Johnson. Built, runs, cuts, blasts, snags, leaps like a Randy Moss without the baggage (yet) of driving around at 3 mph with a traffic cop on the hood of your car. Get Paid. Makes redonkulous grabs in traffic, is willing to run anywhere and will make a quarterback look real nice like. He sold a game day jersey to a guy for a little side cash. So what. Except that the purchaser of said goods worked for the same player-agent who got all the UNC players busted, and bought it for $1,000. Mike Vick (the most respected and loved player on the planet) gets $500 at best. Fishy, but not fishy enough for me to go ahead and guarantee 23 2,000-yard receiving years from this man. Unless he goes to Green Bay. Where he will probably get arrested for sodomy with lawn gnomes. I hate them.

Marcel Dareus - DT - Alabama (6ft3in 315lbs) - I was able to procure some amateur footage of Marcel Dareus running the 40 yard dash at his most recent Alabama Pro Day. Watch it Here. He is a thick beast, somehow 315 lbs looks good on this mammoth. While I don't think he will be a perennial All-Pro like the two above, he will be solid NFL player and that's what you want from your first round pick. I hear sons of anarchy of all shapes and sizes (mostly just the shape and size of Mel Kiper and Todd McShay) say this guy is the safest pick, which throughout history has always been a lineman or linebacker. Not always true. He'll be pretty damn good, but nowhere near N-Freakathon Suh.

Gabe Carimi - OT - Wisconsin (6ft7in 315lbs) - The best offensive lineman in the draft. Gets pissed on for being tough as Native American skin, big, boring and not-as-athletic-as-ideal. Soooo, every successful lineman out there is the category he falls under. I'll take it.

Von Miller - OLB/DE - Texas A&M (6ft3in 245lbs) - Can pass rush the fuck out of any quarterback. Coming out he is very much like a smaller Terrell Suggs. Has incredible athleticism and agility to juke the fuck out of offensive tackles. Can basically do whatever the fuck he wants. Look for at least 8 sacks his rookie season and several broken jaw bones to refs who call any QB-friendly penalties.