QUARTERBACKS AND THEIR SMUG FACES

Here are my rankings for quarterbacks for the April Draft.





#1 Sam Bradford (6-3, 220, 4.9) Oklahoma, Jr.





Quarterbacks are born, not bred (note my JaMarcus Russell rant in my initial mock draft below). Bradford has all the makings of a great NFL QB. Most of all his calmness in the pocket. I've seen the guy looking down the barrell of a 300-lb black man yet still making an accurate post pass 30 yards down field. He was crushed. The ball was completed. Reminded me of some of the greats in the league right now. With his balance of touch, decent arm strength and decision making, he will certainly be a quality QB, but unfortunately for him, on the Rams. He's all there mentally and star-stature wise (everyones gonna love the part Cherokee shit), all he needs to do is prove that his dainty little body can withstand a hit from Julius Peppers, considering his shoulder seperation from a 240-lb 25-year-old mormon linebacker. Top 10 pick.




#2 Jimmy 'Super Bitch' Clausen (6'2 225, 4.9) Notre Dame, Jr.

I hate him.

But he's good, probably better complete skill set than Bradford, but doesn't have the coolness factor of Bradford. Jimmy has that sort of that Ryan Leaf type of 'moxie' that people look for in quarterbacks. There is no doubt he's well tutored and that he can make all the throws, but with a demeanor that makes your back-up tight end want to punch you in the eye mid-season in a bar then subsequently blame it on a 'disgruntled fan' through the media is not optimal (this is a true story for those of you who were uninformed of this news). Plus a real badass would wear that black eye proud, not hide it under a dark visor....pussy. I'm tired of writing about him, but he is a Top 10 pick.

#3 Colt McCoy (6-2, 210, 4.7) Texas, Sr.

Magic Colt and his Dad once saved a retard from drowning half way across a lake a couple years back and this made for a great story. This proves only one point...That the McCoys come from a strong breed of Border Collie. Otherwise, to me, McCoy is a better Jeff Garcia. He's going to have an excellent career in the NFL, but it may take him a couple years to get a chance. I sort of see him getting drafted into a Kevin Kolb situation on the Eagles (except McCoy is a much better prospect). His minuses include lack of bulk (but who does need to much for a QB, ask JaMarcus), and his Texas-spread offense, but that goes for Bradford as well. His pluses are his majestic and shiny coat of fur and baby-esque facial features. He's mobile, agile, and not very hostile, but he can get some yards here and there with his feet.

#4 Tim Hiller (6-4, 230, 5.3) Western Michigan, Sr.

I may be making a huge mistake here, but I love the guy and I think other people throughout the NFL do as well. He's huge, has a cannon arm, but wait...oh my god....gasp....he makes good decisions. This is much unlike EVERY OTHER prospect who possesses the "cannon arm" description. Got beat up on a shitty team, but still maintained a 4.0. Way to go Buddy. Look for him to get drafted by a savvy-scouting team and keeping him under wraps for a year or two before exposing his awesomeness.

#5 Tim Tebow (6-3, 275, 4.3) Florida, Sr.

I was on the Tebow wagon all of his college career and tried to convince myself he could be a NFL QB, which he still can!...false hope, thats what I'm giving you. I could see him in a Pat White/Mike Vick-type role though for a few years before someone gives him a chance after a few years as a UFA, and then he blows. I might have exaggerated the measurables a little bit. This is just in preparation for his announcement that he wants to be known as Alstott X and bulks up 30 lbs and cuts his 40 down by the size of my penis in inches (eat that Ryan). His spassion is undeniable (yes, I did just make an incredible term up for Tebow, spassion. 

So your saying I got a chance!

-Jarrett Brown, WVU, 6'3 220...maybe, he is a WVU QB, sweet release though with the ball

-Sean Canfield, Oregon State, 6'4 217...only saying this so that I don't look stupid if he does well and I didn't include him. I dont think he's good. Big time hypocrite over here.

-Jevan Snead, Ole Miss, 6'3 215, Looks and throws like a spastic epileptic. Needs to calm the fuck down.
Where are you going? He's going nooowheeerrre
-Juice Williams, Illinois, 6'2 220, what a piece of shit, he will be a canadian start his rookie season followed by 4 felonies and a misdemeanor desert.