QUARTERBACKS AND THEIR SMUG FACES

Here are my rankings for quarterbacks for the April Draft.





#1 Sam Bradford (6-3, 220, 4.9) Oklahoma, Jr.





Quarterbacks are born, not bred (note my JaMarcus Russell rant in my initial mock draft below). Bradford has all the makings of a great NFL QB. Most of all his calmness in the pocket. I've seen the guy looking down the barrell of a 300-lb black man yet still making an accurate post pass 30 yards down field. He was crushed. The ball was completed. Reminded me of some of the greats in the league right now. With his balance of touch, decent arm strength and decision making, he will certainly be a quality QB, but unfortunately for him, on the Rams. He's all there mentally and star-stature wise (everyones gonna love the part Cherokee shit), all he needs to do is prove that his dainty little body can withstand a hit from Julius Peppers, considering his shoulder seperation from a 240-lb 25-year-old mormon linebacker. Top 10 pick.




#2 Jimmy 'Super Bitch' Clausen (6'2 225, 4.9) Notre Dame, Jr.

I hate him.

But he's good, probably better complete skill set than Bradford, but doesn't have the coolness factor of Bradford. Jimmy has that sort of that Ryan Leaf type of 'moxie' that people look for in quarterbacks. There is no doubt he's well tutored and that he can make all the throws, but with a demeanor that makes your back-up tight end want to punch you in the eye mid-season in a bar then subsequently blame it on a 'disgruntled fan' through the media is not optimal (this is a true story for those of you who were uninformed of this news). Plus a real badass would wear that black eye proud, not hide it under a dark visor....pussy. I'm tired of writing about him, but he is a Top 10 pick.

#3 Colt McCoy (6-2, 210, 4.7) Texas, Sr.

Magic Colt and his Dad once saved a retard from drowning half way across a lake a couple years back and this made for a great story. This proves only one point...That the McCoys come from a strong breed of Border Collie. Otherwise, to me, McCoy is a better Jeff Garcia. He's going to have an excellent career in the NFL, but it may take him a couple years to get a chance. I sort of see him getting drafted into a Kevin Kolb situation on the Eagles (except McCoy is a much better prospect). His minuses include lack of bulk (but who does need to much for a QB, ask JaMarcus), and his Texas-spread offense, but that goes for Bradford as well. His pluses are his majestic and shiny coat of fur and baby-esque facial features. He's mobile, agile, and not very hostile, but he can get some yards here and there with his feet.

#4 Tim Hiller (6-4, 230, 5.3) Western Michigan, Sr.

I may be making a huge mistake here, but I love the guy and I think other people throughout the NFL do as well. He's huge, has a cannon arm, but wait...oh my god....gasp....he makes good decisions. This is much unlike EVERY OTHER prospect who possesses the "cannon arm" description. Got beat up on a shitty team, but still maintained a 4.0. Way to go Buddy. Look for him to get drafted by a savvy-scouting team and keeping him under wraps for a year or two before exposing his awesomeness.

#5 Tim Tebow (6-3, 275, 4.3) Florida, Sr.

I was on the Tebow wagon all of his college career and tried to convince myself he could be a NFL QB, which he still can!...false hope, thats what I'm giving you. I could see him in a Pat White/Mike Vick-type role though for a few years before someone gives him a chance after a few years as a UFA, and then he blows. I might have exaggerated the measurables a little bit. This is just in preparation for his announcement that he wants to be known as Alstott X and bulks up 30 lbs and cuts his 40 down by the size of my penis in inches (eat that Ryan). His spassion is undeniable (yes, I did just make an incredible term up for Tebow, spassion. 

So your saying I got a chance!

-Jarrett Brown, WVU, 6'3 220...maybe, he is a WVU QB, sweet release though with the ball

-Sean Canfield, Oregon State, 6'4 217...only saying this so that I don't look stupid if he does well and I didn't include him. I dont think he's good. Big time hypocrite over here.

-Jevan Snead, Ole Miss, 6'3 215, Looks and throws like a spastic epileptic. Needs to calm the fuck down.
Where are you going? He's going nooowheeerrre
-Juice Williams, Illinois, 6'2 220, what a piece of shit, he will be a canadian start his rookie season followed by 4 felonies and a misdemeanor desert.

The Sauce is Back

I apoliogize for my hiatus from the 'Worlds Most Informed, yet vulgar, NFL Draft Blog'. It's been a long and tumultuous couple months. I started a new job, giving false hope to high school athletes in obtaining athletic scholarships. It's fantastic and rewarding.

But I realized my true passion lies within my NFL Draft blogging and the pleasure it gives my half-dozen readers.

Unfortunately I will not bring you a huge ALL NEW MOCK DRAFT....just yet, because copying, pasting and adding to my rants is confusing (like the time I kissed my cousins dog and liked it), I'd figure I'd just write all new blogs until my 32-pick long baby has emerged.

So please, COMMENT, ASK QUESTIONS, DISAGREE (If you dare), I will interact. Because I've felt so bad about leaving you all for so long I'm making a bold promise...

WAKASAUCE WILL BE UPDATED 5 TIMES A WEEK WELL INTO APRIL AND BEYOND...But please, to let me know you care, become a follower, if at the very least to humor me and give me ammo to brag about with fellow bloggers (I don't actually know any, but I could...)

Why did I choose such a color combination for this announcement? One reason, I love purple. Eh.

Here comes the Sauce....

Does a Bear Shit in the Woods? No, they pop their squats daily in Halas Hall located in Lake Forest.

Now that I've solved the ever age-old quip regarding obviousness, I'd like to turn my attention to rebuilding the Bears...with what we have!!!! (Horrifying screams start, and Rob Zombie's Dragula starts rocking out in the background)

So No, I won't be lobbying for new ownership who consists of a family who don't care abuot fans, but strictly the monthly paycheck they all live off of, no really the entire family has no other ventures then the Bears, they need this (problem #1). I also won't be working out contracts for a Super Bowl winning, and as available as the drunk clarinet player at homecoming, Bill Cowher (I mean seriously, is there a more fitting jawline for Chicago football)...I'll simply be talking about what we, The Chicago Bears, must do from March 5th (free agency begins) to the first preseason game.

What we Have done so far....Make Mike Martz our Offensive Coordinator. Nothing makes more sense for a coaching staff and front office management team that is on the verge of a monumental pink slip then hiring one of the most innovative offensive coordinators in the game. They could have gone with a couple of simple, unexiting choices, but they all would've been fired after another boring and abissmal season.

Mike Martz brings excitement and swagger. He's won a super bowl as a head coach....that's not bad. But he's also been fired from two teams in as many years since being that head coach. He knows the staff, and the staff knows him (Wow, that was a stupid sentence, but I'm going to keep it so that you can see how stupid I can be sometimes). He'll throw the ball a billion times (scary to many Bears fans who respect the run for 2 yards each play and punt), but this will bring big plays. He'll find a way to use each and every player on offense, much unlike the way Ron Turner had 2 WRs he'd start each game and insist on all of them knowing each route. This way, we maximize each skill players, well, just that, skills. Hester will most likely not be asked to do more than a screen here and there and a couple of 'Run Devin, just run'. Anything more and his brain would explode. Knox will be used as a complete player and I can see him becoming a much fater Tory Holt, albeight not as 'together up there'. Earl Bennett will be used much the same as Ricky Proehl on possession routes and bringing us first downs. While, Aromashadu, will become a star. Thats right, a star. I doubted his star-abilities late in the season, but overall he really is a complete receiver. He will be our Isaac Bruce, little bigger body, little bigger results. As for Greg Olsen, he'll be used on red zone situations, with the occasional misdirection.

Matt Forte is perfect for the system. He possesses incredibly quick feet for his size and the hands of an illegal chinese massage parlor...magical. If Kevin Jones is healthy, he'll contribute as well, as well as the lil guy Garrett Wolfe 'Beastman'.

The offensive line...eh. It's not great. Hopefully All 7'1 of Mike Tice will coach these guys up a storm. There are no great free agents out there that are going to save the unit like Orlando Pace did...

Offense Next Year = B (exciting)

Now defense....oh the defense. Ugly. Need all the LBs to be healthy and a couple darftees in there to make it complete.